Sue is central to the daily wellbeing of her two adult sons and her husband, but it took a dip in her own health to realise that she was also carer to all three of them.

Sue’s eldest son, Andrew, who’s 38, has been poorly since his late teens and her younger son Paul, 36, has the immune condition, active since his early teens, but undiagnosed until 2019. In 2003 husband and Dad Phil was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and a blood cancer, and later also diagnosed with the early stages of vascular dementia and prostate cancer.

Sue, a junior schoolteacher at the time, carried on trying to look after all three, work and run the home. After retirement, this also included the family’s animals, and managing all the health appointments – in one six month stretch, she drove back and forth from the family home in mid-Devon to the Royal Devon & Exeter Hospital several times each week, sometimes twice a day.

In November 2022, after reaching breaking point and tearfully telling her doctor how much she was struggling, Sue was referred to talking therapies and then on to Devon Carers.

“It was a turnaround moment,” said Sue. “I’d be so up and down, one day everything got on top of me, and I felt I couldn’t take any more. Now with the support from Devon Carers, I feel much more on an even keel.”

After an initial assessment, Sue joined a Peer Support group and enjoys taking part in regular online social activities, including quizzes, games plus a monthly online craft session, which took place at A la Ronde, in Exmouth.

“We spend most of our time talking,” said Sue. “Everyone talks about their own caring stories and you don’t feel so alone. I didn’t realise how helpful it would be to share information with other carers. The responses from people who are carers are so different from people who aren’t carers. They’ve been there, they know what it’s like, with them you get understanding and mutual support.”

Son Andy has now realised he too is a carer, supporting his Dad and his younger brother, whilst living with his own debilitating health issues. Andy tries to help Sue with the cooking, and they’re doing a bee-keeping course together as a social activity.

“Before I engaged with Devon Carers, it had never occurred to me that I was a carer,” said Sue. “Some of my friends were surprised when I told them, but if you’re not a care,r you’ll never understand what it entails. To talk through things that worry you and laugh about them is the best you can do. We have a real belly laugh together now in our groups, whereas before I used to cry about it.” This is Sue’s advice to people who might be struggling themselves to recognise if they’re a carer.

“If someone is reliant on you for their health and wellbeing, you’ve moved from being whatever you were, wife, mother, friend, to carer. Every carer is different; we all have shared experiences, but not the same experience. It’s about recognising your own situation. You need to accept that you need to come first, and not be the person who is always at the end of things. If you fail, those you’re caring for will fail too. If someone else’s wellbeing is starting to dominate your life you are a carer and you need to start looking after yourself.”

“The definition of carer is so varied that the need is to help people understand that they’ve crossed into the realm of needing care and support themselves. And Devon Carers will help you do that.”